Your Testimony Will Cost You
Recently my attorney called me and told me that I needed to take this blog down. Apparently, my son’s father’s and his attorneys were trying to use my blog, specifically, portions of my blog that referred to my postpartum depression, to question my fitness as a mother because I was suicidal at one point in my life. I patiently listened to my attorneys’ arguments, thanked him for his legal advice, then firmly replied that the blog will stay up because I will not be bullied or shamed for my past and human experiences.
Postpartum depression affects more than 70% of women post childbirth in some form. That is over the majority of women who give birth. Postpartum depression is not something I can control. I did not choose to be depressed. According to health experts, it’s a condition caused by the dramatic drop in hormones (estrogen and progesterone) post childbirth. Other hormones produced by your thyroid gland also may drop sharply. The overall consequence is that it leaves you tired, sluggish, and depressed. This condition is not something anyone willingly wants to experience. I certainly did not want to go through postpartum.
My son’s father’s behavior is a clear example of why women that suffer from depression don’t talk about it, and don’t openly seek help from their family members. They don’t want to be judged by it, they don’t want the information to be weaponized and used against them. They end up suffering in silence, and for some, the outcome isn’t the same as mine. I am fortunate to be able to heal completely from depression but I know people that have not, that still suffer from it everyday.
I was really upset, hurt, and disappointed that my son’s father would use something so delicate in my life’s journey to attack me as a mother. My friends and family were outraged at how unhappy a human being could be to actually file legal documents with a court and cite my blog as exhibits. Many urged me to retaliate. Even though I told my attorney I wouldn’t take my blog down, I felt ashamed for days afterwards. I didn’t want to launch this blog in the first place. Now it felt like a really dumb idea to give him ammunition and content to judge me and attack me. As I prayed about whether or not I should take this blog down, I heard the words of my pastor so clearly in my head “your testimony is going to cost you.” I immediately thought back to a sermon I heard about how people will hate you and persecute you for being a witness to God’s goodness. I realized in that moment that this was the cost of sharing my testimony. I will probably continue to be bullied in some way for my testimony. I will likely be attacked by others for sharing my faith so openly. I may lose job opportunities for being a bold Christian in a world that is increasingly hostile towards Christians. However, since I’ve launched this blog, I’ve received sooo many messages from people all around the world (including India, Jamaica, where I don’t feel like I know anyone) about how my blog is helping encourage them in some way. If being bullied, or shamed, or losing income is the cost of helping at least one person find encouragement, then it’s a price I’m willing to pay.