My Rooted Tribe (me, Trenelle, Esther)
The Most Impactful Decision I Ever Made
While 2019 was marked by the most amazing moment of my life, the birth of my son Jaxon, the rest of 2019 was a nightmare for me. My postpartum depression accelerated and manifested into actions, behaviors, and thinking that I never imagined myself having or doing. At the time, Jaxon, his dad Dave, and I were living in a townhome in Irvine, CA. Dave was actively fundraising for his startup company and his new investors required the company to be based in San Francisco. Neither he nor his co-founder wanted to live in San Francisco but they rented out a work/live loft apartment to have a presence for their company there. Since Dave was closer to San Francisco, Dave traveled up to SF quite a bit to establish “presence,” which meant I was forced to raise our newborn mostly on my own. Even when Dave was home, he wasn’t really there. He was on his laptop or phone pretty much all day. I felt abandoned, sad, angry, and disappointed that I was embarking on this parenthood journey alone. Our already very fragile relationship soon becomes extremely unhealthy as our communication completely disintegrates. When Dave decided to take a boys trip Memorial weekend to Toronto versus spending it with our son and I, it was the straw that broke the camel’s back. I sent him a scathing message about how I would raise Jaxon on my own and he should move out. When he returned, he packed his things and indeed moved out. I was heartbroken. I was raised in a loving two-parent household. My parents did everything together. I had an amazing childhood filled with many memories of my mom and dad always being present. I had told myself I would NEVER be a single parent. I wouldn’t have kids until I was married because I wanted to make sure that my children were raised in a two-parent household like I was. Yet here I was, a single mom, left alone with my newborn baby.
Jaxon and I at Mariners Church for Easter in April 2019
2019 Gets Much, Much Worse
A few weeks after Dave moved out, he came back to visit Jaxon for the weekend. Our townhouse was 3 stories so Dave and I were able to avoid each other for almost the entire weekend. He said one word to me while he was there, which was infuriating to me. I had expected an apology. On Sunday morning while I was at church, Dave’s mother texted me a message that was likely very innocent but I interpreted it as Dave egging his mother on to harass me. I write his mother an extremely aggressive message back, which upsets Dave. We end up getting into an argument that quickly escalates into a shouting match, hurtful insults, and physical assault. Not long after this incident, Dave files a custody lawsuit for Jaxon. I had no idea he was going to do this. I had often talked to Dave about doing mediation to put together a custody agreement but he didn’t seem interested at all in creating one, which is what made the lawsuit even more surprising to me. I was shocked when a process server knocked on my door and announced “you’ve been served” and handed me documents that stated I had been sued by Dave. I actually fainted. When I came to, I couldn’t speak. I was trembling. I had never been sued before. Getting sued over a baby you just gave birth to 4 months ago felt cruel and evil. The custody battle was as difficult, painful, and stressful as everyone says custody battles are. When I met my attorney for the first time, he told me “I don’t wish family court on my worst enemy” and he was right. I count the custody battle as one of the most traumatic events in my life. It didn’t help that I was struggling financially at the time. I couldn’t consistently work because I was Jaxon’s main caretaker. The little money I had saved up was now spent paying legal fees and I was too embarrassed to ask my family for help. On one occasion, I remember going into the grocery store with Jaxon and not having enough money to pay for diapers, baby formula, and groceries. I opted to buy the cheapest diapers and formula, and paid for it in coins. I went for days without any food and cried every night. 2019 was truly one of the worst years of my life.
Joining Rooted in 2020
By January 2020, I felt like giving up. Life seemed helpless and hopeless. I had no other options but to turn to God and give it all to Him. I remember weeping and telling God this couldn’t be the life He planned for me. How could the last few years of my life be filled with so much joy, happiness, love, blessings, miracles, and breakthroughs only for it to lead to despair, difficulty, failure, and heartbreak? Where did I go wrong? What did I do to deserve this?
On Sundays, I attended Mariners church in Irvine. Even though my life seemed like it was falling apart, I always felt better at church. When Mariners began advertising a new small group gathering after service on Sundays called Rooted, I immediately signed up. I knew that being left alone with my thoughts wasn’t healthy for me so if signing up for Rooted meant that I would get an extra 2 hours at church every Sunday, I was all in. As it turned out, Rooted wasn’t any ordinary small group gathering. It is an intense 10-week program meant to help people grow closer in community. The program recognizes that people need to live in a community where they can be open, honest, and transparent without the fear of judgment. Rooted helps people find their tribe by creating space and time for everyone to be vulnerable and transparent.
At our first meeting of Rooted, there were about 12 of us, a mix of men and women. We had to talk about why we joined Rooted and what we were hoping to get out of it. I remember breaking down in tears as I described what I was going through, and how I felt like I was drowning. I used to be so successful and had this amazing vision for my life. Now, I was a broke single mother with no dreams, and no plans. Over the following few weeks we met weekly, often sharing our deepest and darkest secrets. We cried together, comforted each other, and we prayed blessings and healing over one another. Rooted was truly a life changing experience for me. I believe it helped me break a lot of the strongholds in my life. I grew significantly in my faith and spiritual life during this 10-week period. For the first time ever, I didn’t feel ashamed or embarrassed talking about my past, my failures, and my long list of issues. For most of my adult life, I felt like I had to have it all together. Now, it seemed like being imperfect and deeply flawed was actually a superpower. I think Rooted was a turning point in my life in which I shed a lot of the shame and guilt that I associated with being a single mom. I realized that it was going to be okay. It was alright that this relationship didn’t work out. God had a better plan for me. God also had purpose for me and I would rebuild my life from the ashes.
The Weekly Virtual Bible Study
In July 2020, four months after Rooted ended, I was now living in San Francisco in a beautiful high rise on the 27th floor with views of the Bay Bridge. I had a new job, was surrounded by my best friends (who all lived in the Bay Area), and I was making good money. I felt so grateful, so happy. Life was somehow better than anything I could have dreamed of a year ago. It was because I felt so deeply grateful to God for turning my life around that I felt compelled to start a virtual Bible study. I wanted to keep this happy train going, and I felt like to do that I needed to stay in a small group doing Bible Study. Basically, keep Rooted going. I decided to email several of the women from the Rooted group that I related to the most to join my virtual Bible study. All of them accepted my invitation to join. We selected a Bible Study guide and kicked things off as a weekly study.
In November 2020, my friend Esther decided to come down to Houston to visit me the weekend before Thanksgiving. She was planning to fly directly to Columbus from Houston for the holidays. However, there was an illness in her family so Esther decided not to go back to Columbus. I offered to drive her back home to Austin, where she currently lived, and she graciously accepted the offer. Our 2.5 hour car drive back to Austin was filled with great conversation. At some point, I bring up the virtual Bible Study group and extend an invitation to Esther to join. She perked up at hearing this and told me she’d like to join if it was okay with the other women. I talk to the group the next day and ask if it would be okay for Esther to join. They agreed. Over time, some of the other women dropped off of the Bible Study as work, life, and their careers became busy and hectic. By early 2021, the virtual Bible study had whittled down to 3 people. It was now just Esther, Trenelle, and myself. We call our Bible Study group Rooted too.
This July, our virtual Rooted Bible Study group will be celebrating our 4 year anniversary. We meet every Thursday for an hour, and work through a Bible study guide that covers a wide range of topics, like prayer and forgiveness. During these 4 years, I can count on my hands how many times I’ve missed Bible Study. It’s the most important commitment I have outside of my commitment to God. I hardly ever miss Bible Study. I have taken my Bible study to Disney World with me. I have planned flights around my Bible study. I have skipped out on business dinners to make my Bible study. Last year during a work conference, I found myself in the corner of a Las Vegas casino having Bible Study. I could be on girls trips in remote places but my friends know that on Thursday’s at 7:00 pm EST, I have Bible Study. For their part, Trenelle and Esther have also brought their Bible Study guides with them on vacation, work trips, family gatherings, and beyond. We very rarely cancel a Bible study meeting.
While the group started off as a Bible study, it’s become so much more than that. It has become a sisterhood of three women growing spiritually and holding each other accountable to deepen our relationship with God, and be better people to those around us. It’s a haven for us to be ourselves, be vulnerable, open, honest, and transparent about our struggles and seek advice that’s rooted in Scripture. There is no judgment, only kindness, love, and compassion in our group. The three of us protect each other’s secrets and stories with our lives. It’s interesting because I recently read over all of the blogs I wrote about my life between 2016-2020 and noticed how many times I mention depression and deep sadness in those posts. As I begin writing about the period of my life between 2020-2024, ie. the period after I started the virtual Bible Study group, I don’t have any references to depression and I don’t think it’s a coincidence. I have not felt any inkling of depression since I started my virtual Rooted Bible Study and maybe that’s why I show up consistently every week. I know my soul and spirit needs it.
One of the really amazing things I’ve noticed about our virtual Bible study group is that our bond feels like it is divinely protected. We’ve never gotten into an argument. I’ve never felt offended by anything Esther or Trenelle says to me. I’ve never been impatient with them, I’ve never had any bad thoughts about either of them. I listen carefully and take notes when they give me feedback or push back on something I say. I eagerly accept any advice they give me and never get defensive. I don’t speak over them, I never feel the need to prove a point with them. I find wisdom and guidance in the personal stories they share, and never try to one up them. I am truly the best version of myself when I’m speaking to Trenelle and Esther, which is interesting because I am the most vulnerable with them. They know about all of my bad habits, the ugly things I’ve done. They know things about me that nobody else does, not even my family or closest friends. I often feel like God gave me Esther and Trenelle to give me a real example of what a relationship could be like if it is truly God-centered. Our relationship is filled with so much peace, empathy, love, and compassion for one another. I genuinely feel better about whatever I’m going through after I meet with Esther and Trenelle every Thursday. The decision to start this virtual Bible Study is truly the most impactful decision I ever made. I sometimes think that God allowed me to go through everything that I went through with Dave so that I could start our Rooted Bible Study. I used to look back at 2019 and it would give me anxiety. Now I look back and smile, and think about how all of those experiences led me to where I am now: a strong, faithful, deeply flawed and imperfect woman of God trying to do better day by day.
The Gift That Keeps On Giving
In August 2023, I ended up getting a place in Plano, Texas to be closer to my sister and her family, who were expecting a new baby girl. While I still watch Pastor Renelle Johnson and my RC DMV services on Youtube every week, I recognize the importance of attending a church service in person so I started looking for a local church home. A few people on Instagram made some recommendations to their churches that I ended up visiting. It was great but it didn’t feel like home. I decided to bring it up to Trenelle and Esther one week to pray for me to find a new church home. The following week, while I was in Target, I spot someone wearing a Rooted shirt. I ran up to him and said “Excuse me? Is that Rooted from Mariners? Are you from Mariners? I went to Mariners too!” He seemed a bit taken by surprise at first but then chuckled and said “No, I’m not from Mariners but I know what Mariners is. We do Rooted at our church too. I think Mariners started Rooted but now a lot of churches do Rooted as well.” I had no idea. In any regards, I figured a church that was hosting Rooted small group meetings is a church I wanted to go to so I got the name of the church from the gentleman and began attending that very Sunday. It is now my church home in Texas. Rooted is like the gift that keeps on giving!
If you’d like to learn more about Rooted, you can visit this site here: https://www.experiencerooted.com/pages/about